Family Struggles

Let me preface this by saying a few things:

1-      If you know me in real life, please keep this between us.  Some people know about this, and some people know parts of this, but it is very rare that I share the full details of my family situation because I prefer to keep them personal.  However, I am at a point that I feel like I’m just not sure what else to do, and I hope sharing will help.

2-      I’m going to try to share enough details to explain everything without giving years worth of back story.  Bear with me if I get wordy. 

3-      I normally write about my weight loss journey, but this has been weighing on my mind very heavily lately.  No, this is not my “why” in my weight gain.  My weight gain is just because food tastes good. 

4-      I have written this a thousand times in my head, but don’t even know where to start once it comes to actually putting it into real words.  I’m going to do my best.

My mother struggles with addiction.  She is an alcoholic and self medicates.  Her father was an alcoholic that took his own life when she was 18 years old.  Thus, I believe this is when her own problems began.  She and my father both drank and partied when they met, and throughout the beginning of my childhood, but stopped drinking when I was in the 6^th grade, when my mom had a wreck that nearly killed her. 

On my 21^st birthday, both of my parents started drinking again.  Things went downhill almost instantly.  Fortunately for me, I was in college and not home most of the time.  My younger brother was not as lucky, as he was still in high school.  Fast-forward about 7 years later and here we are.  Both parents drinking regularly (and my mother much more than regularly), years of non-stop arguments, neglect of family and friends, an affair and a separation. 

Right before the separation, my brother and I went to an Alanon meeting for family members of alcoholics.  From that meeting, I learned that there is nothing that I can do to change her.  She is in control of her own choices and actions.  I cannot change her.  I learned that I have to live for myself and not get caught up in the craziness because it will only bring me down.  Now, that is a VERY hard lesson for me, because I am an extremely compassionate person, I want to help everyone, and this is my mother, for crying out loud!  The woman that gave birth to me.  The woman that wiped my tears as a child and held me when I was sick.  The woman that taught me to be the woman that I am now.  She was an excellent parent while I was growing up.  We had such a close relationship.  It’s hard for me to stand back and watch all of this happen.

But I’ve also tried so many times.  I see what it does to me when I get mixed up in everything.  I feel guilty.  I feel like I need to fix everything.  I feel like the parent instead of the child.  I literally lose sleep over it.  I lay in bed and wonder if she’s at home, safe, or if she’s in a ditch somewhere.  It literally drives me crazy.  I’ve talked to her.  I’ve driven her to rehab.  I’ve cried with her.  I’ve supported her.  I’ve done absolutely everything that I know to do.  Two years ago, my brother wrote her a heart-wrenching letter that had me sobbing when he let me read it.  She read it.  She cried.  Nothing changed.  I thought surely, if anything would change her, his words would.  They didn’t.

My brother has detached himself from the whole situation.  He’s very private and closed off.  Some people even take him as being cold.  He’s not though.  He’s just guarded.  He explained to me not too long ago that he just cannot be a part of the situation because he can’t handle it.  And he’s one of the strongest people I know.  So how then, if he can’t deal with it, do I figure out how I’m supposed to?  My husband gets so frustrated with everything that my family has gone through that he doesn’t even want me to talk to him about my mom.  So, here I am.  Writing to complete strangers, with the hope that someone will be able to relate, or give the smallest piece of advice or give me just a peace of mind. 

As I said, I’ve done everything I know to do for my mom.  I’ve even driven her to rehab before.  My brother wants nothing to do with her when she’s drinking or on pills.  My father is just done with everything related to her, forever.  Her mother is in bad health and just basically accepts it, and her aunt is pretty much in denial about the whole thing.  I feel like I’m the only one that CAN do anything.  I just don’t know WHAT to do. 

Wednesday, she came to my house for me to do her hair for Thanksgiving.  She was sober, but may have taken pills or been drinking out at her car when she went outside to smoke.  I’m just not sure.  We had a great time together.  She even went with me to Walmart to pick up a few things that I needed.  Through the course of our time together, she said something along the lines of, “I need help.  I know I do.  But I just don’t know where to go.  I’m not working.  I don’t have any money.  But I know I need help.  I feel like I need Dr. Phil or Intervention or somebody to help me.  But I know my children are smart and if they think I need help, they’ll find somebody or something for me.  They’ll get me help.” 

Well, there ya go.  I’m in the middle of it again.  I didn’t respond.  I didn’t know what to say.  This is when this blog entry began forming in my mind.  I was going to write to ask for suggestions.  With the holidays, I was very busy and didn’t take the time to sit down and write everything out.  Then, we went to a friend’s graduation celebration Saturday night.  His father is a pastor and his mother is a counselor.  She recently started an alcohol and addiction program at the church.  Before she left, she gave me her cell phone number for me to give to my mother.  We didn’t talk about her or her situation, but we live in a small town, so I guess she just knows.  Well, I thought this was an answer to my prayers.  What I was looking for.  I didn’t have to write to anyone and ask for help after all.  Surely, this is what was meant to be.  So, I called my mom yesterday to give her the information.  Here’s what she said to me.  “Well, I’m alright right now.  I’m doing well. I have an appointment with a doctor at the end of the month.  But thanks for thinking of me.  I’ll keep her number just in case.” 

Seriously!!??!!!  After you make me feel like it is MY job and responsibility to fix YOUR problems, I find a solution, THIS is what you say to me??!?  So now, I’m back to my frustrated state.  I’m mad at her for putting me through this constant whirl wind of emotions.  I’m mad at myself for giving in again and feeling like it’s my job to fix her.  I’m mad at her for not wanting to do anything about it herself.  I just don’t know what to do.  And at this point, I’m sure I’ll just go back to trying to distance myself from the situation as much as I can again.  I don’t even really know WHAT I’m looking for in sharing this.  Maybe affirmation that I’m doing what I need to be doing, which is taking care of myself and my husband.  Maybe suggestions of what else I should do, or what I should not do.  Maybe just someone else that can say, yes I’ve been there, since no one else in my life seems to understand exactly what this does to me. 

But there it is.  This is what I’ve had weighing on my mind lately.  And I’m open to all comments, suggestions, ideas and thoughts.  Thank you for reading and anything you have to share with me.

Pleasantly Surprised

So here's a progress pic.  It's not a before and after, because I haven't reached my after yet.  But it's just a little something for the ride along the way. 

I wore this shirt last week for the first time in a while and I knew that it fit differently on me.  Better.  I KNEW I had taken a pic in it at a baby shower in July, but could NOT find the pic (it's on my camera that I let my dad borrow). But last night, I went to my cousin's house and she had a copy of the pic and she emailed it to me. 

I was amazed when I put the two pictures side by side.  Now, I've been busting my ass, making better choices, running like a crazy person, 30 Day Shred, some of Ripped in 30.  I'm weighing every week and taking measurements.  I see a .4 loss here and a .8 loss there.  I see 1/4 inch down here and 1/2 inch down there.  I guess because it happens slowly over time, I haven't seen the BIG results that I've been wanting to see. 

Now, I've noticed my clothes fitting better and people starting to make comments about me looking smaller, but honestly I thought there comments were just because I talk obsessively about eating healthy and working out, so anyone that knows me knows this is something I'm working towards.  I thought they were just being encouraging and supportive. 

Then, I put the pictures side by side.  Wow!  What motivation!  I know I've got a long ways to go still, but I'm sharing to show you that just because we don't see the little changes each day, each week, each month, they do add up.  Even though the scale may go the wrong way one day, or one week, we're still making progress.  If you're exercising and eating right, you're moving in the right direction and you WILL see results!  Take pictures and measurements along with weighing in, because sometimes you see your results in those places.  I'm so glad I had these two pictures to compare!  It's given me the extra push that I've been needing lately to keep on keeping on. 

Now, go sweat!

Where I Come From

I'm a firm believer that in order to get where you're going you must look where you've come from.  That being said, regarding weight gain and loss, I don't believe everyone has a "story"- you know, like the ones you see on tv... my parents abused me, my parent died, I was always big, I got picked on, etc.  I'm not discounting those things or saying that they did not contribute to weight gain.  I'm just saying that for some people, self included, we don't have a "reason" or something we can pinpoint that made us gain weight.  I'll write all about my journey in words some day (when I find the time to sit down and do it), but here's my story in (mostly) pictures.

2002:
  Senior Week right after graduation.  I wish I was as "fat" now as I thought I was then. (~115 lbs)

2006:
   May       College Graduation June     The coolest             June                 Oct- I really realized
                                                       pic ever taken                       I was gaining weight (~140 lbs)
                                                           of me                                                         
 

2007:

       May                                  June                              July                                              October

December                         Special one of the hubby so you can      New Years- Our Last Fat Meal
                                                   appreciate his journey     Weight Loss plan begins tomorrow                                                                                                                                 (~175 lbs)


2008:
                 Jan., Feb., July (~165-170), July, Aug., Aug., Aug., (~160 lbs) Aug.                                   

 

Aug. Hubs down 55 lbs, Aug., Sept., Sept. (~160 lbs), Wedding! (Sept.), Oct., Nov., Dec., Dec.

2009:
January (~170 lbs)       January                    August                 September       1st Anniversary- Sept.

 October               November                             December (~175 lbs)              December


2010:
My a-ha moment was seeing this picture, that I was unaware was being taken:

 Here's my year in review:
January, February, March (~185 lbs), May, May, May, May, May, May

June (~170-175 lbs), July, July, Aug., Aug., Aug. (~165 lbs), Aug., Sept., Sept., Sept., Oct., Nov., Dec.(~160 lbs)

And another:

2011:
 March, May, May, May (~155 lbs) , June, June, June, July, July

 
July, Getting runner's legs, Aug., Aug. Aug., Aug. (153 lbs), Sept., Sept., Oct., Nov., Nov., Nov., Nov.(~160 lbs)
Got a new job in October... thing's took a turn. 

But here's some 2011 progress... we'll get back to the end of 2011 and 2012 later:

And that brings us to where we are now:
2012:

January, February, March, April, April, May, May

 

May, June (~170 lbs) - My second a-ha picture, June, August (~175 lbs), September, September, October

And there you have it.  That's where I've been and where I am now.  I've learned a lot of things about myself through this process.  First of all, camera angles can be very deceptive.  I know I'm trying to show an accurate portrayal of my weight journey, but even throughout this process, I didn't want to show fat pictures, or I found myself picking the ones I looked skinniest in.  I've got to accept where I am at each point of my life.  Denial has been one of my biggest downfalls.  It's not just a bad picture, it's reality. When I see pictures that I don't like of myself, I need to make some changes.  I realized that I first see my visible weight gain in my face and arms.  So, from now on, when I notice it, I've got to do something about it before it gets out of control again.  I've looked at these pictures and thought about times when I said to my friends, "Gosh, I'm so fat" "Do I look fat in that picture" "I don't know if I can fit my fat ass in there", etc.  They've all always said, "B, you're not fat!"  Well, THEY LIE!  They think that's what you want to hear, or they don't know what else to say.  If you know it's true, then it's true.  You can't listen to others.  You have to be happy with yourself. 

The process of writing this blog and gathering these pictures sent me through several different emotions.  First, I was encouraged because I saw how far I've come in the past and how much progress I made.  I know I did it before, therefore I can do it again.  Then I got frustrated.  As hard as I've worked, every time I stop, take a break, or slow up at all, I gain and go right back to where I started.  (Look back from Sept.08- Jan. 09 for an example). I thought to myself, maybe this is just the size I'm supposed to be.  Maybe I'm supposed to be 160-170 pounds.  If God wanted me skinny, I would be one of those natural skinny people.  Then I got mad at myself for even thinking that.  I know this takes work... it's not easy and it takes dedication.  Then, I got discouraged and furious at myself for stopping last October when I got a new job.  If I had continued my exercise and working out then, I can only imagine where I would be right now.  But life happens.  And last year, life happened.  I couldn't find time to work out, eating out was a part of my job, and damn, it tasted good!  I was tired of dieting and exercising again.  And now I see what happened as a result of me being "tired" and "busy." 

I've made a vow to myself.  I've gotten determined again.  I'm going to get back where I was, and I'm going to be even better.  My lowest adult weight was 153.8.  I WILL see lower.  My first goal is 150, then I think 135.  From now on, I will continue to weigh myself, even when I know I have gained.  After I reach my goal, I will have a window that I MUST stay in, or I know something has GOT to change.  I WILL NOT let myself go again.  I want to have children in the future, and I will deal with that accordingly, but that will not be an excuse to let myself go.  No more excuses.  Yes, it's hard.  No, I don't WANT to do it.  But I WANT those results- badly!  And I WILL get them again.  It's not always convenient, but I WILL MAKE (not find) time and energy for myself, because I am worth it and I want it.  

I hope seeing my journey will help you.  I have been up and down, up and down, up and down.  I struggle.  Constantly.  But I'm not stopping, and I hope you make the decision to do the same.  I never want to have fat pictures again, and I know what it takes to make that happen.  So with that being said, I've spent enough time on the computer, and I have to go make time to work out. 

Mixed Emotions

What a weekend!  It was very busy, and I felt like I had something to do at every moment!  I wanted to spend some time on my blog, add some pictures, play around with the layout, etc.  There was no time for play this weekend!  So that’s all coming soon, I promise.  Here’s what I did:

Friday- Work, dinner with the hubby, Home to change clothes really quickly, 10 year high school reunion football game, back home to do JM 30DS dvd, bed

Saturday- Get a baby shower gift, go with friends to buy new running shoes (I didn’t buy new shoes, but I did buy some arch supports), go for a 3.1 mile run, head straight to baby shower, go home, rest for a few minutes, JM 30DS dvd, get ready for the dinner of the 10 year high school reunion

Sunday- spend a little bit of time with the hubs before he went to work, 5.5 mile run, run by a friends house to pick up something, home to tend to my poor beat up feet….

That’s where the bad part of my weekend kicks in.  You remember those arch supports I mentioned buying… yeah, well, they hate me!  And my feet hate them!  When I started running Saturday, they hurt, but I figured it was just my feet getting adjusted to them.  Quickly after beginning, they felt better.  Finished my run and all was good.  Then, oh holy hell!  I started walking to the car and they HURT!!!  I took them off at the car and the world was right again.  I rested for a few minutes when I got home and iced my feet, then I did my dvd with the arch supports in.  They felt great!  Okay, so it was definitely just my feet getting adjusted to them. 

Fast forward to Sunday.  Going on my longest run yet.  Yeah buddy!  I was pumped!  And nervous!  I could do this!  It’s only .5 miles more than what I’ve done several times before.  Bring it on!  Shannon’s pace is much faster than mine, but we both decided to go at a comfortable, conversational pace so we could last the whole time.  She jogged at my speed.  We chatted the whole time.  DID YOU HEAR ME??!?  I just said that I RAN 5.5 MILES AND TALKED THE WHOLE TIME!!!!  I never in my life thought I would be able to do that.  When I started running 2 years ago (I use the term running very loosely there!) I would see women jogging and talking to each other.  I would think to myself (because Lord knows, at that point I couldn’t actually SAY out loud while jogging) “Look at those bitches!  Jogging and talking!  I bet they just saw us coming and started jogging to look good in front of us!  They’re going to stop as soon as they get past us!”  Well, yesterday, we were those bitches!!!! J  It was AWESOME!  The run felt amazing!  I impressed myself with how far I’ve come and how I’ve conditioned my body to do what I want it to.  It’s no longer in control of me, I control it!  And that, people, is the most incredible thing ever!  Insert the first high of the day! 

(gps was off on the phone, so it was really 5.5 miles according to the trail markers)

Yep, I was on a high.  Then we get to 4.25 miles.  Cramp!  Yep, in my damn left foot!  Now, I’ve had arch issues for about a year now, and the podiatrist doesn’t really know what’s wrong.  He slapped me on a steroid to help with the swelling but doesn’t know what CAUSES the swelling.  Wonderful, right?  So we’re just treating symptoms.  Well, the swelling went down, over the year, I quit working out, so I had no more problems.  Until recently.  So, I’m jogging and I feel the cramp.  It’s not the normal pulling that I feel when it normally hurts, so I shook it off and kept going.  We finished and I felt on top of the world!  Then I had to walk to the car.  Bad news.  I couldn’t get there quick enough to get my shoe off.  It HURT BAD!!!  I stretched barefooted and left the park.  On the way home, I pulled my foot in my lap to massage it.  I can only imagine the look of horror that was on my face when I felt how swollen my foot was!  It was terrible!  The worst it’s been yet.   And insert the first low of the day.

 I got home and took a hot bath, then put ice on my foot.  Right before I got into the bathtub, I decided to weigh myself.  Guess what!!!!  Go ahead, guess!  I was 169.4!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  A new decade!   There is no longer a 7 after my 1!!!! Woo hoo!!!!  I couldn’t wait to do my dvd because all of this eating right, running and working out is WORKING!  Imagine that!  That’s what a little exercise and proper eating does for you, folks!  I was back on top of the world!  Second high of the day!

So, now I’ve just got to get my workout in.  But my foot still hurts.  Surely after some rest and ice, everything would be fine.  Everything was not fine.  It hurt to walk, period.  I’m doing the JM 31 day challenge and I HAD to get my dvd in.  So I iced it some more and watched a little tv.  I finally decided that I did not want to injure myself any worse than it already was, and as bad as I hated it (keep in mind, the other day I was looking for ANY excuse for a rest day!) I took a rest day.  I’m soooo mad!  I wanted to get every sticker on my calendar!  I wanted to complete the challenge exactly the way it was designed. And there’s my second low of the day.  But I’m not super woman.  I had to listen to my body.  And I’m getting back on it today!  My foot feels a little better.  The pain when I walk is gone, but it still hurts to put any pressure on my actual arches.  No one really seems to know what it is or what to do.  I think I may take today off from running and see how the week goes, but I’m going to finish this dvd challenge damn it!

Going through all of this made me realize that in my journey, there will be ups and downs.  I will experience this along the way, sometimes from month to month, sometimes week to week, sometimes day to day and even within the day.  There are going to be ups and downs, highs and lows, ebbs and flows.  That’s just how it is.  It’s going to come in all forms too.  What matters is that I push myself when I know that I can push through, and deal with whatever it is when I can’t.  I WILL NOT let it stop me.  I WILL NOT let it hinder me.   I WILL NOT let it discourage me.  I will move forward, because this time, my journey is for life. 

Struggles

Warning:  This is going to be long!  Read it when you can actually take a few minutes to really read it. 

I'm sharing this for a few reasons.  I've had some people say things to me like, "You're all into fitness" "This is easier for you than it is for me" "You have been doing this longer than I have" "Well if you struggle, then I don't feel bad struggling and quitting early" "If it's hard for you, I know I can't do it" 

 Here's the truth.  I DO struggle!  Daily.  I struggle with not wanting to workout, with making good food choices, pain, un-motivation, etc.  Everything you struggle with, I do too.  I have found that having people to be accountable to really really helps me.  I have found that getting determined and STUBBORN really really helps me.  Shannon and I ran 5 miles on day, and she said, "I don't know how you do it.  You just keep pushing on and on."  I get determined and set my mind to it.  I make my mind up and that's it.  I don't give myself any other option.  I AM GOING TO DO IT.  Well, those are the good days!  There are days where I talk myself OUT of it 100 times.  And here's an example:

Last night… I was mad at all of you!  I was mad because I did NOT want to do my workout… and I knew I would have to tell all of you.  I wanted a break.  I’ve been going for 18 days straight, doing my dvd every single day and averaging 3-4 runs a week.  I was tired.  I was sore.  I was exhausted!  I couldn’t hardly hold my eyes open.  I had talked myself out of my workout.  But then I felt bad.  I didn’t want to tell y’all I didn’t do it.  I didn’t want a blank spot on my calendar.  I didn’t want to be a quitter.  But God I was tired.  I got home, and debated.  I took my work clothes off, because I had to do that no matter what.  So I sat there in my underwear for a few minutes.  I texted Rocky.  Surely, he recognized how much work I’d been doing lately, and he knows that everyone needs a break from time to time.  He would tell me it was okay to take a break.  He didn’t.  He told me to just do it.  I told him if I did it, it would be half assed.  He said it won’t be once you push play.  Ugh!  I was even madder!  I DID NOT want to work out.  I wanted to go to sleep right that minute, and I could have, and slept like a baby!  But I put my damn workout clothes on.  I put my shoes on.  I thought about taking it all back off. I went into the office and got the dvd started.  I could still stop.  Damn yall!  Damn that sticker!  I wanted my sticker!!! I couldn’t not do it.  I pushed play.

Jillian came on the screen and I got good and pissed off!  I DID NOT WANT TO DO THIS!!!  We started the warm up.  Here comes my inner monologue so you can see what happened.  Arm crosses.  My arms are sore!  I upped my weights and that should count for something!  I could still stop and go get in the bed.  On to backwards windmills.  This doesn’t hurt my arm as bad.  Jumping jacks… why in God’s name do we always have to do jumping jacks?!?  My calf hurts too!  So does my knee.  I want to quit.  Toe touch thingies- at least these aren’t that bad.  Neck rolls- I like these.  We don’t do these long enough.  Man my neck is stiff and sore.  What I would pay for a good massage.  Or just sleep.  Effing jumping jacks again!  Is this really necessary?! Ugh!  Circuit 1. Walk out push ups. I really don’t mind these.  I think I see less of me than I did when I started when I look back at my belly during the pushups.  Don’t forget to breathe, it feels like my eyes will pop out of my head when I don’t breathe.  Squat rows.  Damn it my calf hurts!  And my knee!  Why does Jillian do this to me?  Doesn’t she know my arm hurts too.  Everything hurts damn it!  I want to quit.  Whew, walk out pushups again.  I really don’t mind these.  Effing squat rows again.  At least it’s the last minute of strength.  I still want to quit.  I still could.  Ugh, just get this first circuit over with.  Cardio is only 2 minutes, that’s 1 minute less than strength.  I’ve got this! High knees aren’t too bad.  They remind me of running.  I like running.  I’ve really came a long way with my running this year.  Damn these squat thrusts.  My legs hurt!  I can do this, I can keep going.  I’ve done this before with no breaks, I can do it now.  Whew!  Back to high knees.  Damn I have to crawl up from these still.  Yeah, I kinda like high knees.  But we can stop whenever she’s ready. Thrusts again.  I don’t like these.  Let me just do it.  That bitch Natalie does it.  Did you just hear Jillian say that if Natalie does it we can too?!?  Hello!!! Have you looked at her?!  She’s a beast!  Don’t compare me to Natalie!  I have a long ways to go.  Oh thank God it’s time for abs.  I get to stay on the floor.  I like abs.  Oh why did I just think I like abs?!?  Abs suck!  Switch legs. Thank goodness for a little break.  Well it was little cuz I’m still working my abs, just a different leg.

Circuit 2.  Well I did one circuit. I could stop now. I’ve done a circuit, that’s better than nothing.  Static lunges with a row.  I hate these lunges.  My calf hurts!!!  And my arms!  Thank goodness it’s only 30 seconds.  I can do anything for 30 seconds.  Pendulum lunges with bicep curls.  Maybe Jillian doesn’t know… MY ARMS HURT!!  I hate these things I can’t keep my balance.  Half way!?  She’s got to be effing kidding, it’s GOT to be more than half way!!! Maybe she means half way through the whole dvd.  Yeah we’ll go with that.  Cuz I can’t last another 30 seconds doing these!  Back to static lunges with the other leg.  My calf hurts!!!  I can do this for 30 seconds.  Almost there.  Back to pendulum lunges.  I really hate these.  My balance sucks with these.  See!  I almost fell!  There, I so should stop now.  I really need to work on my balance.  There is a balance challenge in the Warrior Dash.  Maybe I’ll incorporate some p90x yoga in after I get through this this damn challenge!  How much longer??!  It’s definitely already been a minute! Is this bitch talking about jean shopping?!?   Like she really struggles with jean shopping!  And bathing suit shopping… don’t even want to think about my bathing suits right now.  Okay!  Cardio! God I hate these oblique twists!  It’s okay, I’ve got this. I can feel them working.  I really want this dvd to work.  I hope I see results!  Skaters.  I hate these too.  Basically I think I hate all of this.  But I don’t really hate it.  I’m just pissy.  I kinda like it.  And I like the results I’m seeing.  Owww!!! My foot!  I didn’t put my compression thing on my foot cuz I was being pissy and didn’t want to workout in the first place. Dumbass!  Shouldn’t have been so pissy!  Ugh!  Back to oblique twists.  I can do this.  It is only 30 seconds.  Hey, it’s the last minute of cardio on level 2 then one minute of abs and then level 3!  I’m doing this!  I’m really doing it and I didn’t want to!  Gonna get that sticker!  Heck yeah!  Skaters.  Careful on my feet.  My stubborn ass was being pissy and didn’t put my foot things on.  I CANNOT hurt my foot!  Then I’ll be out of commission and that IS NOT an option!  Is it raining?!?  Is that THUNDER!!??!  Maybe the power will go out!!! Then I have to stop and it won’t be my fault!!!!!  Please power go out!  Ugh, its still on and time for abs.  Its 2 exercises for 30 seconds each.  I can do this.  I can do anything for 30 seconds.  Eff!!! How long are her 30 seconds?!?  Oh can I please just lay here?  I’ve done 2 circuits, can I stop now?  Better than nothing!  NO!!! STOPPING IS NOT AN OPTION!!! Just like that day I ran 5 miles.  Hell that took over an hour and I didn’t stop.  I can do this 20 minute workout. 

Circuit 3.  I’m in the last circuit!  I’m almost done!  I’m doing it!!! Sticker here I come!  I am proud of myself.  Oh these military presses with leg extensions… again, my damn balance.  Let me find a picture to focus on.  I need to work on my balance.  Man I’m tired.  No wonder I can’t keep my balance. I can barely stand on two feet, more less on one!   Chair sits with a v raise.  The bane of my existence.  Oh how I hate these.  Okay, I’ll push through it.  My arms hurt!  If Beth and Jessica can run for one minute without stopping when they’ve never done it before, I can damn well push myself to do these stupid sits for one minute.  They’ll be proud of me when I can tell them all I did my workout and I REALLY REALLY didn’t want to.  Hell, I still don’t want to and it’s only 4 minutes left.  Back to military press.  YES JILLIAN!!! My shoulders ARE burning right now!  Bitch!  You already knew that, you didn’t have to ask.  Damn balance again. Ugh!  Every time she says something about balance, I’m doing well and then she effs me up!  Hang in there, Bridgette,  you’ve got this!  Okay, last minute of strength… last minute of these stupid sits and v flies.  It’s only one minute.  Breath!  Just breathe through it.  So I’m going slower than them, so what!  I’m still going.  Bitches!  No fair that they don’t struggle and break a sweat like me.  Hell, I’m more than sweating!  I’m drowning!  Was that thunder again?!?  That power BETTER NOT go out now!  Not when I’m so close to being done!  I know the rest of the exercise, I’ll just finish it on my own!  How will I keep up with the time?  I can use my phone.  It has a timer.  I don’t want to have to take a break to set the timer.  Jillian says no breaks.  It would be better than not finishing.  Cuz I’m doing this!!!! I did NOT want to workout and it’s almost done!  See Cardio now! Why in the eff do we have to do EVERYTHING in plank?  Plank jacks… Okay here I go.  Don’t stop.  No breaks.  You’ve got this.  Deep breaths.  It’s only 30 seconds.  I want to take a quick break.  I need to take a quick break.  Okay I’ll just go a little slower instead of taking a break.  See!  Jillian said 3 more seconds. I’ve got this.  Jump rope.  Why did I hate jump rope so much in level 1?  This is the best part of level 2!!! Why can’t I just do jump rope for ALL of the cardio in level 2?  I could survive that!  Damn it!  Back to plank jacks.  Last 30 seconds.  I’ve got this.  Hang in there.  Remember the girls running.  I can do this.  My legs hurt!  My calf hurts and now my thighs hurt too!  YES JILLIAN!!! I feel it in ALL of my legs!!  2 more seconds, go go go! Thank God its over.  Let me crawl my ass up off of this floor.  Ugh!  I forgot about the last set of jump rope.  It’s okay.  I like jump rope, remember?!  Why the hell did I think I liked jump rope?!?  Hang in there, I’ve got this.  I’m not about to DIE… I can do it.  Thank God last set of abs!  Oh, I forgot, I don’t get to lay down for this set.  Damn Jillian.  Back to plank it is.  Okay, I kinda like these because I can feel them working.  I liked them for the first 5 seconds.  Breath in.  Exhale on the crunch.  Focus on  your breathing.  Almost there.  You’re DONE after this!  This is it!!!!  You did it!  You get that sticker!  You are NOT a quitter…. Even though I sure as hell wanted to!  3 more seconds.  I think she lies, its more like 5 seconds.  Done!!!!  Let me just lay here… why does she insist on moving to the stretch so quickly?!?  Okay, I’ll stretch it out, because I’m DONE!!!

So there you go ladies.  That was my struggle last night.  As you can tell, I did NOT want to work out.  I cussed everyone in my head… Jillian for making the dvd, ML’s group for coming up with the challenge, this group because I knew I had to be accountable, Rocky for not letting me off easily.  Hell, I even willed the power to go out!!!  (I guess I took it as a sign from God that my butt needed to work out since it didn’t!  Haha!)   But I pushed through anyway.  I shared all of this because I want all of you to know that I DO struggle.  Just like you.  The important thing is that we dig down deep… way way deep… and find that little something that makes us push to do it.  Motivation is sooo important!  Whether it be a person, clothes, children, looking at motivational pictures and sayings, telling a friend about how awesome you are for doing your workout, a FREAKING STICKER!!!  Whatever it is, find what motivates you and hold on to it with all that you have.  Stay focused on it.  Each day!!!  We have to motivate ourselves DAILY,  and sometimes even several times a day.  GET DETERMINED!  Quitting is not an option.  Set your mind to it.  You are strong!   You can do ANYTHING you set your mind to.  I’m so proud of each and every one of us for doing this together.  We are all at different points in our journeys.  But we ALL struggle.  Just try to take something from my story and the next time you struggle, think about me and just push through! 

I hope this was helpful! J

Here We Go

So, I blogged years ago about my weight loss journey.  But it was really me trying to get skinny for my wedding.  Wedding happened, I quit working out, gained the weight back.  Then 2 years later, I started again.  Working out and blogging.  Well, I posted once, but continued to work out.  Reached so many of my goals!  Then life happened.  Got a new job, stopped working out and making good food choices.  And here I am again. 

I'm back at it, hitting it hard.  I have a great group of supporters and motivators that I found online.  I also have a wonderful group of friends that are doing it with me this time.  2 of them have been there through the whole journey, shout out to Debbie and Shannon! :)  We have a facebook group to keep in touch with each other, share about our workouts, our struggles, our successes.  We try to build each other up and motivate each other.  So, this morning I wrote out a long description of my struggle to work out last night.  My friend, Jessica, read it and told me to start blogging again.  So here it is. 

I'm in round 3 of this damn journey and this time there will NOT be a round 4.  I have come to realize that I will ALWAYS struggle with my weight.  I have to REALLY work, even just for maintenance.  But I will not quit this time.  No matter what!  It is too important to me. 

I'm going to post what I wrote to my friends next, but I just wanted this to serve as a brief introduction to me, my blog and my journey.  There will be plenty more about me to come soon enough!  I hope you enjoy and appreciate any and all comments!