Sunday, October 28, 2012

Where I Come From

I'm a firm believer that in order to get where you're going you must look where you've come from.  That being said, regarding weight gain and loss, I don't believe everyone has a "story"- you know, like the ones you see on tv... my parents abused me, my parent died, I was always big, I got picked on, etc.  I'm not discounting those things or saying that they did not contribute to weight gain.  I'm just saying that for some people, self included, we don't have a "reason" or something we can pinpoint that made us gain weight.  I'll write all about my journey in words some day (when I find the time to sit down and do it), but here's my story in (mostly) pictures.

  Senior Week right after graduation.  I wish I was as "fat" now as I thought I was then. (~115 lbs)

   May       College Graduation June     The coolest             June                 Oct- I really realized
                                                       pic ever taken                       I was gaining weight (~140 lbs)
                                                           of me                                                         


       May                                  June                              July                                              October
December                         Special one of the hubby so you can      New Years- Our Last Fat Meal
                                                   appreciate his journey     Weight Loss plan begins tomorrow                                                                                                                                 (~175 lbs)

                 Jan., Feb., July (~165-170), July, Aug., Aug., Aug., (~160 lbs) Aug.                                   
Aug. Hubs down 55 lbs, Aug., Sept., Sept. (~160 lbs), Wedding! (Sept.), Oct., Nov., Dec., Dec.

January (~170 lbs)       January                    August                 September       1st Anniversary- Sept.
 October               November                             December (~175 lbs)              December

My a-ha moment was seeing this picture, that I was unaware was being taken:
 Here's my year in review:
January, February, March (~185 lbs), May, May, May, May, May, May
June (~170-175 lbs), July, July, Aug., Aug., Aug. (~165 lbs), Aug., Sept., Sept., Sept., Oct., Nov., Dec.(~160 lbs)

And another:

 March, May, May, May (~155 lbs) , June, June, June, July, July
July, Getting runner's legs, Aug., Aug. Aug., Aug. (153 lbs), Sept., Sept., Oct., Nov., Nov., Nov., Nov.(~160 lbs)
Got a new job in October... thing's took a turn. 

But here's some 2011 progress... we'll get back to the end of 2011 and 2012 later:

And that brings us to where we are now:
January, February, March, April, April, May, May
May, June (~170 lbs) - My second a-ha picture, June, August (~175 lbs), September, September, October

And there you have it.  That's where I've been and where I am now.  I've learned a lot of things about myself through this process.  First of all, camera angles can be very deceptive.  I know I'm trying to show an accurate portrayal of my weight journey, but even throughout this process, I didn't want to show fat pictures, or I found myself picking the ones I looked skinniest in.  I've got to accept where I am at each point of my life.  Denial has been one of my biggest downfalls.  It's not just a bad picture, it's reality. When I see pictures that I don't like of myself, I need to make some changes.  I realized that I first see my visible weight gain in my face and arms.  So, from now on, when I notice it, I've got to do something about it before it gets out of control again.  I've looked at these pictures and thought about times when I said to my friends, "Gosh, I'm so fat" "Do I look fat in that picture" "I don't know if I can fit my fat ass in there", etc.  They've all always said, "B, you're not fat!"  Well, THEY LIE!  They think that's what you want to hear, or they don't know what else to say.  If you know it's true, then it's true.  You can't listen to others.  You have to be happy with yourself. 

The process of writing this blog and gathering these pictures sent me through several different emotions.  First, I was encouraged because I saw how far I've come in the past and how much progress I made.  I know I did it before, therefore I can do it again.  Then I got frustrated.  As hard as I've worked, every time I stop, take a break, or slow up at all, I gain and go right back to where I started.  (Look back from Sept.08- Jan. 09 for an example). I thought to myself, maybe this is just the size I'm supposed to be.  Maybe I'm supposed to be 160-170 pounds.  If God wanted me skinny, I would be one of those natural skinny people.  Then I got mad at myself for even thinking that.  I know this takes work... it's not easy and it takes dedication.  Then, I got discouraged and furious at myself for stopping last October when I got a new job.  If I had continued my exercise and working out then, I can only imagine where I would be right now.  But life happens.  And last year, life happened.  I couldn't find time to work out, eating out was a part of my job, and damn, it tasted good!  I was tired of dieting and exercising again.  And now I see what happened as a result of me being "tired" and "busy." 

I've made a vow to myself.  I've gotten determined again.  I'm going to get back where I was, and I'm going to be even better.  My lowest adult weight was 153.8.  I WILL see lower.  My first goal is 150, then I think 135.  From now on, I will continue to weigh myself, even when I know I have gained.  After I reach my goal, I will have a window that I MUST stay in, or I know something has GOT to change.  I WILL NOT let myself go again.  I want to have children in the future, and I will deal with that accordingly, but that will not be an excuse to let myself go.  No more excuses.  Yes, it's hard.  No, I don't WANT to do it.  But I WANT those results- badly!  And I WILL get them again.  It's not always convenient, but I WILL MAKE (not find) time and energy for myself, because I am worth it and I want it.  

I hope seeing my journey will help you.  I have been up and down, up and down, up and down.  I struggle.  Constantly.  But I'm not stopping, and I hope you make the decision to do the same.  I never want to have fat pictures again, and I know what it takes to make that happen.  So with that being said, I've spent enough time on the computer, and I have to go make time to work out. 

No comments:

Post a Comment